A Valentine's Day Parable

Comic from Oregon Live

The scene: a kitchen counter with several bags of groceries. A couple, who we will call Spouse 1 and Spouse 2, are arguing.

S1- So did you do the shopping?

S2- Yup. Got the makings for spaghetti and bread.

S1- Wait a minute! (yanks receipt from a bag and waves it in S1's face) All I see is a bunch of useless spending!

S2- Wha-aat?

S1- Flour!!? I can't eat flour! Yeast? What are you thinking?

S2- But...

S1- TOILET PAPER!!!? What in HELL are you thinking? We can't afford TOILET PAPER! Two dollars? Well, we'll just return that unopened.

S2- But we need toilet paper.

S1- I don't. In tough times, you have to make sacrifices. What else we got in here? Tomato paste... dry pasta... You call this dinner? Look at this incredible waste! Celery! Onions! Peppers! Oh dear lord preserve us. That's the last time you ever do the shopping!

S2- What was I supposed to get?

S1- Booze. Lots and lots of booze.

S2- (rolling eyes) Oh no. Here we go again. OK, look, we've been boozing it up for years. I thought we agreed last fall that we'd give it a rest.

S1- I never agreed to that. Look, it's simple really, and I'm getting tired of having to explain it to you. We get lots of booze. We have a big party and tell all our friends to bring food, and we'll eat like kings.

S2- But we've tried that over and over. Most of our "friends" don't even bring food. They bring hip flasks so they can take our booze home with them.

S1- (shrugs) So we just tell them they have to bring food.

S2- (shaking head) We've tried that too. Everyone's so drunk we don't end up even asking what they brought. And whatever food does show up ends being used in food fights, or puked up all over the floor. And everyone's so wasted that the mess just sits for days.

S1- Ahhh! (looks around) I thought something smelled funny. But we're doing fine, that's just proof that the booze works.

S2- I'm not doing fine! I feel sick, I've got the shakes and a headache...

S1- Booze'll take care of that.

S2- I don't think so...

S1- Tell you what: we should compromise. You can spend 2/3 of the money on... hmph... FLOUR and ...snrt... YEAST, and I'll spend a third of it on booze.

S2- I just don't think...

S1- And that is precisely the problem. Really, if we just spent HALF the money on booze, we wouldn't have to spend money on food at all.

S2- No, no, no, your first idea sounded much better.

S1- Now that's more like it. See the problem is, we've been buying the cheapo booze. We gotta start looking at the better stuff.

S2- ...I think I'm gonna heave...

S1- (squinting at the receipt) You know, I'm not sure we can afford to waste any more money on groceries after all. You know, it's a proven fact that grocery stores never supplied any food to anybody. They're called "grocery" stores for a reason- all they sell is groceries. You can't eat groceries, nope. What a body needs is food. And the only proven way to get food is to buy lots and lots of booze.

S2- ...urp...urp....
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So here's the question... at what point do you file for a divorce? Go into counseling? Get a mental assessment? Maybe a restraining order? One's an addict, the other's an enabler... it ain't gonna happen. Besides, they can't afford any of those expensive options: They need more booze. And of course, the punch line is that this couple has about 300 million family members for whom they're responsible.