I wanted to be a newspaper columnist in the worst way, and no doubt many readers would say I achieved just that goal early in my career here.I'm sure this is intentionally ironic, but yes, he was a columnist. In the worst possible way.
One story: Some months after I arrived here I was at my desk one morning thatSadly, many of Rheinhard's positions were more looney than the recent headlines, Aliens Suspected of Stealing Mt. Hood. UFO sightings were clearly too mundane for him. Goodnight, David.
my column ran. The phone rang. I braced myself, but the man on the other end of
the line could not have been more complimentary about my offering that day. I was
new to the trade, insecure as an opinion columnist can be, and ready to listen
to this wise reader.
"You really should be syndicated ..." he said.
Isn't that what every young columnist wants to hear?
"Your writing reminds me of George Will's ..." Oh, merciful heavens, George Will is one of my idols.
"... except that your writing is easier to understand ..." Yes, yes, yes. Exactly. My one criticism of Will's work was his baroque, mannered prose. My head was spinning. A feeling of well-being washed over me. Was this a great gig or what?
"Do you mind if I make one suggestion?" No, no, my good man, suggest away. I've got all day for readers like you. Go right ahead.
"Do you think The Oregonian could devote more space to UFO sightings?"
He never separated himself substantively from the idiocy of the first, however often he may have stated that he was a change from Bush. He actively chose and promoted the idiocy of the second, likewise the poisonous tactics of the third. Finally, rather than running as the true "maverick," he bought into the Republican platform hook, line and sinker. This was presumably to solidify the "base," but showed a lack of understanding that this is a period of crisis in our country. We the people want thinking outside the box, away from SOP, because SOP hasn't worked out so well. I'm a little concerned that Barack will bow to convention too easily, but to my mind he was so superior to McCain that there was no consideration of "choice" on my part.
(October 9)Dear Lockwood,
All hail to the Silly Party!
Due to the current economic crisis, theMichael Palin for President campaign
has been temporarily suspended....
...
...and now it's been un-suspended, so please continue campaigning as normal. More than 492,000 people have now viewed the Michael Palin for President video. We expect to pass half a million views in the next day, before proceeding rapidly to half a million and one. Thanks once again to all of you who've told your friends about the video and helped turn our goofy little idea into a worldwide phenomenon. Because of you, we're this month's #1 MOST VIEWED COMEDY VIDEO in the U.K. and #44 worldwide.
Keep it up!
According to the London Times, the video is "spreading like wildfire on the internet." Apparently the internet is composed mostly of dry grasses, and the fire is blamed on the combination of record heat and "winds of change," whatever those are. Republican firefighters are attempting to quell the blaze with little success.
According to the Daily Telegraph, "Republicans have said they expect Democrat party activists to be behind the video as part of a 'dirty tricks' campaign."
Which is 100% accurate, if you simply replace the words "Democrat party activists" with the words"two middle-aged (though charmingly boyish) Monty Python geeks from L.A. who aren't particularly political but may just possibly have a bit too much time on their hands."
Fellow Prisoners (ooh what a giveaway!)...
The Silly Party continues to dominate in the debates. Our strategy: victory by virtue of not being there.
Through the act of strategic absence, Michael Palin has rendered it completely impossible for the other candidates to refute anything he says.
Genius!
Michael Palin is in fact gaining ground by the moment in both swing states and, more importantly, SWONG states, where our paid "vote tabulator" from Diebold is making sure everything is being done legally and that we will win no matter what.
(November 3)Dear Lockwood,
Since our last newsletter, we at the Silly Party have been seriously considering changing our name to the Silly But Not Nearly As Silly As The Republicans Party.
Between Not-Joe the Not-Plumber, the $150,000 shopping spree and the brilliantly clever "accidentally say the wrong words to insult your own constituents" campaign, the Republicans are rapidly proving themselves to be very silly indeed.
Which is why we're proposing that in future elections, all debates should be replaced with bouts of Fish Slapping, in which candidates must engage in all-out, to-the-death battle using only herring, bream, mackerel, salmon, poached salmon, poached salmon in a white wine sauce, and pre-packaged sardines.Here, at long last, are the results of our enormously popular "What Should Michael Palin do to Resolve the Critical Issues of Our Time?" Survey and our even more enormously popular "Who Should be in Michael Palin's Cabinet?" Survey.
Critical Issues/Party Platform Results...
--The Economy: BLACKMAIL! Threaten to expose the truth about Dick Cheney's affair with Sarah Palin unless Halliburton donates all of its profits to Social Security.
--Foreign Policy: Retrain all United States military personnel in the lost arts of "marching up and down the square" and "close order swanning-about."
--The Environment: Hire notorious highwayman Dennis Moore to plant 800 billion Lupins in the American southwest in order to release massive amounts of oxygen into the atmosphere.
Cabinet Posts Results...
--Secretary of Defense: Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs.) (Deceased)
--Secretary of State: Terry Gilliam, in the role of Cardinal Fang
...and finally...
Vice President: John Cleese! (Like there was ever any doubt.)
Dear Lockwood,
The somewhat important 2008 election is upon us.
Silly though we may usually be, we at the Committee to Elect Michael Palin President
would like to take a moment to say, in all seriousness...
VOTE!
Vote like the wind!
Vote like you've never voted before!
Vote like your life depends on it! (It may)
Vote like the ice caps are melting! (They are)
Vote like if you don't then the Spanish Inquisition will fry you up and toss you into a Spanish Omelet!
Vote like a crazed weasel with its head on fire that has to vote in order for someone to dunk its head in a bucket of water, thus dousing the fire and eliciting a collective sigh of relief from every other potentially flammable weasel, stoat or ocelot in the vicinity.
VOTE, YOU MISERABLE BASTARD, AS IF BY DOING SO YOU CAN KEEP AN OIL-DRILLING, WOLF-KILLING, IGNORANT ALASKAN MOOSE-MUNCHER FROM EVER GETTING HER IGNORANT, WELL-MANICURED FINGER ANYWHERE NEAR THE BIG RED ARMAGEDDON BUTTON! (You can)
Ahem.
We believe we've made our point.
Your friends at the Temporarily Serious Though Usually Quite Silly Party
P.S. If you're not a U.S. citizen, please feel free
to close your eyes and vote metaphysically.
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