Tuesday, April 10, 2012

PNW Survival Tips And Still Not Dead Yet

Apologies for the long hiatus here. It is intended to be "just" a hiatus, but until I can unsnarl the intertangled problems of an aging computer, Adobe updates devilishly designed to lock up the system, and Blooger updates requiring me to learn new interfaces regularly, it's simply more fight than I want to cope with. I set this up for my own entertainment, and to share my amusements with others. When it has me grinding my teeth in frustration, it's not worth it.

However, I did want to archive today's Twitter tear in a place where I could find it, and others could enjoy it too. So without further ado, "Pacific Northwest Survival Tips:"
  • We divide our fresh water into three categories: ground water, surface water & air water: water that is currently falling.
  • The outdoors is there to enjoy. Careful though. It will chew you up and spit you out dead if you don't use common sense.
  • Be careful. We're coffee snobs. But you already knew that, right?
  • We still support and have small independent bookstores. Yeah, we're retro like that.
  • Newcomers have about a one month grace period to learn correct pronunciation of names. Except Orygun. No grace on that one.
  • We don't believe the world will end in 2012. We believe world went into an endless coma in 1980 when Reagan was elected.
  • If anyplace in the US moves to metric, it will be PNW snow reports. Because snow amounts near 1000 inches are just silly.
  • Yes, walking around in shorts, tee shirt and flipflops is possible in winter, and will get you looks. Contemptuous ones.
  • If we had a state gastropod, it would be the banana slug.
  • People here do weird things just to be different. Like anywhere else. Unlike other places, we don't make a fuss about it.
  • Contrary to widespread belief, "The Earthquake Forecast" is not part of the evening news. But we're working on it.
  • Bend has grown enormously, from small town nearly impossible to get through to large city nearly impossible to get through
  • Salem is known for the golden pioneer on the State Capitol building. And not much else.
  • Reasons we tell CA they can't have our water: agriculture, salmon, hydropower. Real reason: craft beer.
  • Recently, a healthy population of moderate Republicans was discovered here, to much astonishment. Please don't disturb them
  • "Drain Oregon" is a town, not a demand. Likewise, "Boring Oregon" is not a description.
  • *Real* hipsters just *say* they hang out in Portland so the would-be hipsters can't find them.
  • You can tell it's spring in Corvallis when the fragrance from the dairy barns overwhelms that of the flowers.
  • The spirit of the sixties didn't die. It retired to Eugene.
  • Roads can be narrow and rudimentary on the east side, because sand people always drive single file to hide their numbers.
  • We actually *do* have real winters here, but we keep it in mountains and out of most peoples' ways.
  • We're actually quite sanguine about all our volcanoes. Don't expect them to erupt, but looking forward to show if they do.
  • A gift idea for a west side child that guarantees endless frustration? A telescope.
  • Do not tell a PNW woman how to manage her reproductive health. She'll sic her bear on you.
  • Another true fact: People on the east side sometimes get a malady called "sunburn." West side doctors frequently misdiagnose it.
  • True fact: 2/3 of PNW is much drier than the midwest. We call it "the east side," and most people have never heard of it.
  • When we refer to "undesirable immigrants," we're not talking about our respected Latino workers, but Californians.
  • Half the traffic is enormous SUV's, trucks and Hummers. Other half is hybrids. Go figure.
  • Ignore the frequent liberal fads. They'll inevitably fade away in a few decades. Or not.
  • Hazelnuts and filberts are the same thing, but damned if I can ever remember which name we're "supposed" to use here.
  • That freakishly bright orb in the sky? That's the sun. Yeah, it *is* weird.
  • We're the largest exporter of waterfall photos in the world.
  • Our "cities" would mostly be considered "towns" elsewhere. And we like that.
  • That's not black paint in the older apt you're checking out. It's mold.
  • OR state rock is thunderegg, but ought to be basalt.
  • Learn to use a map. GPS is Darwinism in action. It *will* try to kill you in remote areas.
  • Traveling to coast during winter, watch for fish. When you see them, you're there.
  • Do not tease the scrub jays. They will remember you, and make you sorry you're alive.
  • If you're from another part of the country, you won't like it here. Really. Take my word for it.
  • Don't blink during summer time, or you'll miss it.
  • Harumphing about people carrying umbrellas for our light drizzle misses the point: umbrellas *ensure* it's only light rain.
  • Don't face eastward too long, or your left side will get all mossy, and you'll sprout ferns there.


Anonymous said...

Great to read a post from you again! Take care

SkinnyDennis said...

Welcome back! I've been checking the blog every few days since October 28, 2011!