Some Twitter Stuff Yesterday

As I'm wont to do on occasion, I went on a Twitter tear yesterday. It started with this:

I had seen this quoted on a couple of my liberal politics blogs, rolled my eyes, and moved on. But Imani ABL caught it and responded:

Then Dr. Skyskull, bless him, posted the trigger:

Okay, so when a potential hashtag like #ConservativePillowTalk is dangled in front of me, I'll take it, hook, line, and sinker.

Then a couple more, in rapid succession:

And for the remainder (all mine), I'll just copy the text.

•  "Who needs Viagra? I have an AR-15."
• "Not tonight, honey. I want to work on the tax deductions."
• "I hate how gay marriage causes premature ejaculation. It's ruining my marriage."
•  "Ladies, just lean back, think about the Gadsden Flag, and do it for 'Murca."
• "Here's a thought to get your motor running: Dozens of hacked nude photos from phones of male GOP politicians."
• "Maybe we could just hire a couple of illegals to do this for us, so we don't have to pay minimum wage."
• "Sorry... what? I dozed off."
• "Say WHAT!? I thought "oral sex" was *talking* about it."
• "Lights out, night only, because those *parts* are so icky, can't bear to see them.
• Sad news for Russia's zero-G sex study: The geckos are stone-cold dead. [A tidbit of actual news that seemed humorously appropriate for this hashtag.]
• "What do you mean, 'toys,' dear? Like Hot Wheels and cap guns?"

[Followup, 5:17 PM, 9/2- I'm essentially done with this hashtag, but another just occurred to me and I can't let it disappear; it's too good. One female Republican to another: "Just between you and me, I'm into anal. I have sex with assholes all the time."]

Also, a couple of us tried to figure out how we should be responding to ISIS. This is because John McCain knows Obama should be doing *something.* (Again, for time's sake, just copying texts.)

• Me: We should do some undefined *something* about ISIS. I suggest scattering a million tons of individually wrapped chocolates on the area.
• That would distract them for a while.
• Unfortunately, I guess that would only empower the dreaded military-confectionery complex.
• MGHydro: The Pentagon counters with a million tons of individually wrapped bombs. Compromise? Chocolate coated bomblets?
• Me: Chocolate-coated peanut cluster bombs!
• MGHydro: Giant (and I mean GIANT) caramel popcorn balls.
• MGHydro: Peanut Bunker-Buster® Parfait (co-sponsored by Dairy Queen)
• Me: A Cracker Jack (TM) aerial campaign.
• Me: Seriously, if we could pull this off, ISIS would be so bloated and obese, they wouldn't want to make any further efforts.
• Me: STAHP! USA, enough already! STAAAAHP!
• MGHydro: Gotta play the long game: an entire generation w type-2 diabetes. Coca Cola was just our first salvo…

So there you have it. domestic and foreign policy both taken care of in an afternoon.

Are YOU Ready For the Raptor?

Only three days and two hours...

see more The Daily What.

So FaceBook friend Steve has invited me to an event, the post-raptor looting party. And someone on Twitter noted that we should all mess with the fundies on Sunday by talking loudly to each other about all the people we know who have mysteriously disappeared. However you choose to celebrate the raptor, have a happy one!

Welcome To Oregon

"Things look different here." That was the slogan of a tourism campaign some years ago, which received a fair amount of good-natured ridicule. Another similar local slogan is "Keep Portland weird," which despite local insistence, probably did not originate in that city.

Okay, so these things probably come across my radar simply because I do read quite a few Oregon-based news sources, but it often feels like there is a lot of strange news coming from this odd state. Case in point: it was reported last week that a man in Roseburg awoke to find his dog had eaten a portion of his foot, including three toes. Turns out, he's diabetic, and had no feeling in his feet. The veterinarian involved conjectured that the dog smelled gangrene, and chewed off the affected tissue. I would point out that if the guy actually did have gangrene, and was oblivious to it, the dog may very well have saved the rest of his foot, leg, or even his life. Friday it was reported he was recovering well, and was expected to leave the hospital soon.

Now if I had a dog that had eaten three of my toes under similar circumstances, I would be grateful and more deeply committed to giving that animal a good life. But I can certainly understand that the quease factor might just be too much for some people. According to an AP story linked at OregonLive, the victim has decided to put the dog up for adoption. "The dog may soon be available for adoption at Roseburg's Saving Grace Pet Adoption Center."

Poor goggy!

Oh'Really?

Apparently, a new meme is circulating through the ol' innertubz, and I have to say, I love it.These and many more are at GeekoSystem.
Followup: more examples and some actual Oh'Really statements here.

"We're pinheads all"

They tell us that
We lost our tails
Evolving up
From little snails
I say it's all
Just wind in sails
Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O

We're pinheads now
We are not whole
We're pinheads all
Jocko homo
Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O
Are we not pins?
We are Devo!

Monkey men all
In business suits
Teachers and critics
All dance the poot
Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O
Are we not pins?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
D-E-V-O

I got a rhyme that comes with a riddle
O-HI-O
What's round on the ends and high in the middle?
O-HI-O

God made man
But he used the monkey to do it
Apes in the plan
We're all here to prove it
I can walk like an ape
Talk like an ape
Do what a monkey can do
God made man
But a monkey supplied the glue

Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
We are Devo!
Are we not men?
We are Devo!

We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
O.K. let's go!

Noted in Passing

Skimming through Google Reader a moment ago, this item caught my eye...Wow. Things are pretty desperate out in the real world, folks.

Golly. More Casualties Than I Realized.

The right has managed to pass itself off, at least in it's own eyes, as an enormous group of helpless victims ground under the heel of Liberal Oppression for nearly two decades now. Limbaugh really rose to prominence in the wake of Clinton's election, and he is certainly the first-ranked victim over the last five presidential terms. Until now. Imagine my shock to read that there weren't just 19 20 dead and injured in Saturday's massacre: the entire Tea Party is also in critical condition:

A nine-year-old girl lies in the morgue. A member of Congress faces a lifetime of struggle to recover from a bullet in the brain. A city is bracing itself for a string of funerals as it tries to fathom the carnage. But Trent Humphries says there is another innocent victim left by Jared Lee Loughner's killing of six people and wounding of 14 others in his assassination attempt against Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. It is his Tea Party movement and, more particularly, his family. The killings, he says, are evolving into a conspiracy to destroy his organisation and silence criticism of the government.

And here's an example of the life-threatening vitriol that has sent a whack-a-loon political fiasco into the ICU:

"It's time to change your message of hate. If not, get out of politics because the American people are not going to take it any longer. We want our country back."

Brain damage is such a sad thing. But the subsequent delusions can be breathtaking in their grandeur.

The Onion Gives Me Tears

This made me laugh... I can Sooooo relate.

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

Military Fairy

Bing at HJHOP, who recalls his Monty Python more thoroughly than I do, has this magnificent find to celebrate the repeal of DADT:

I think the thing that really cracks me up is knowing there are many people out there who are convinced that this clip realistically portrays the consequences of today's events.

Reviewing The Year's Geology News

The Onion reports on the unpronounceable Icelandic volcano and its eruption earlier this year:

The eruption was initially attributed to Huldufólk elves believed to be angry at mortals for the desecration of their rock dwellings during the winter of 2009. While gifts of sweets to the elves seemed to produce small gaps in the ash that allowed airspace to be briefly reopened, the cloud as a whole lingered. It was only after millions of travelers had already spent days stranded at airports that embarrassed officials finally conceded that another creature was probably responsible.

After ruling out the 300-foot Lagarfljóts worm, investigators concluded that only Grýla—best known for emerging from her cave at Christmastime in search of naughty children to stuff in a sack—possessed the power necessary to generate an eruption of Eyjafjallajökull's magnitude. By then, however, many food items shipped by air had begun to spoil, and a number of world leaders had already missed the funeral of Polish president Lech Kaczyński.

It's official: my understanding of geology and volcanism is out of date.

What Happens When You Fall Behind on Your Exorcism Payments?

You get repossessed. But seriously folks, do atheists, agnostics or even non-Catholic Christians ever get possessed? Because the Roman Catholic Clergy seem to think it's a pressing issue.

“What they’re trying to do in restoring exorcisms,” said Dr. Appleby, a longtime observer of the bishops, “is to strengthen and enhance what seems to be lost in the church, which is the sense that the church is not like any other institution. It is supernatural, and the key players in that are the hierarchy and the priests who can be given the faculties of exorcism.

So there you have it: the church is supernatural. And Christine McDonnell is a witch. Maybe they should get together.

Today In Oregon History

November 12, 1970: A day that will forever live in hilarity...

Not the first time I've posted a version of this clip, and likely not the last.

All The President's E-Mails

The Guardian's ongoing satirical "experiment in democratic transparency" offers a gem this week. The next one in today's issue, to John Boehner, is pretty good, too.

To: All White House Staff Subject: A humbling moment

All: in light of this week's results, I wanted to say a few words before speaking to the nation. As Jon F wrote in the speech I'm about to give, we took a shellacking, and I'm humbled. Humbled that we lost sight of the fact that leadership isn't just about passing sweeping, long-overdue legislation. Humbled that we couldn't communicate that extending healthcare to 95% of the American population was an indisputable moral imperative that the Republicans, by the way, are never going to manage to repeal. And humbled that we didn't find a way to unite not only the majority of people who support reform, but also the billionaire backers of the Tea Party, Glenn Beck, Rupert Murdoch, the millions who'd never vote Democratic anyway, and the delusional clowns who think I'm a Kenyan-born Sikh fundamentalist Catalan separatist. And by "we", I mean Nancy Pelosi. Point is, I didn't fight so hard to win office just to stay popular and keep winning office, but to do what's right, which we're doing. So let's move forward in a spirit of bipartisanship, extending the hand of friendship and collegiality to those on the other side who are, let's face it, totally wrong. Humbly, Barack

You Know What Comes Next, Right?

News item: radioactive rabbit captured at Hanford Nuclear Reservation.

The Tri-City Herald reports that officials suspect the rabbit sipped some water left from the recent demolition of a Cold War-era building used in the production of nuclear weapons.

So when violently mutilated bodies start showing up in the area, there will be no doubt what's going on.

This is Relevant Today

Pirates needed science, too, from SciAm. I think some of these are a wee bit less serious than others, but stop and think about it for a moment before you click over... if you were a stereotypical sea-faring pirate, what science would you need to know? I'm disappointed the article doesn't mention chemistry and geology, both of which might be useful in deciding which booty to bother with.

More Than I Would Want

Via BBC,

The Guinness World Record for making the biggest chocolate bar in the world has been broken in Armenia. The bitter dark chocolate bar, made by the Grand Candy Company, weighed 4410 kilogrammes (4.41 tonnes).

Below is a vidclip from AP/YouTube:

For the Rick Sanchez's of the world, 4410 kg in American is 9702 pounds. So it would probably take me at least a couple of sittings to finish this candy bar. Actually, it might take me a day or two just to get the wrapper and foil off.

All The President's Emails

I really enjoy this feature from The Guardian...

To: Hillary Clinton Subject: Re: Plan C

Sorry about Plan B, but I think it's impolitic for the President of the United States to phone a raving mad, pig-ignorant Florida preacher to ask him not to burn 200 Qur'ans, especially if the guy then goes ahead and does it anyway. So, Plan C: if you think you can arrange for a Blackhawk to fly over and dump water all over the bonfire, fine. Do we need legal justification, or can it just be a fun federal prank? B.

To: VPOTUS Subject: Re: Plan C

Hey Joe, in answer to your question about whether it's disrespectful to get 200 copies of the Qur'an wet, I can only say I HAVE NO FRIGGING IDEA BECAUSE I'M NOT A MUSLIM. Why are you even asking me? Anyway, last I heard – fingers crossed – the whole thing had been called off. I hope Hillary remembered to cancel that helicopter. Barack

Field Notes From An Idiot

I've seen this around in various places recently... typical wingnutty wasting of time and resources to make a meaningless statement, from someone who has no idea of the implications of the ideology he thinks he's rooting for. Yawn. An everyday occurrence in this dying country.
But the post that made me sit up and take note was at TYWKIWDBI yesterday, where it was pointed out that "he used Interstates, GPS and the internet which were all government funded projects..."

Aww, That's Sweet

Alexandra Shkandrij proposed to his sweetie on their favorite website, The Daily What, in the format of several memes. She said yes.

Those Darned Japanese

Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts

Japanese macaques will completely flip out in when presented with a flying squirrels, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.

Because, as has long been recognized, discussed, and bemoaned, our current methods of enraging monkeys are archaic, and not nearly sufficient for our needs. (CSM)

If You Need Help, Call Somebody

Another video clip, which I had set aside to watch when there were no more important things to pay attention to, turns out to be profoundly important in the entertainment sector.

And the poor kid never does get his take away help.