Hate Being the One to Break This News...

Artist's conception of how our home will look next weekend.. (Also see The Weekend Weather outlook! 3 great options for fun during unseasonably warm weather!)

An international group of expert scientists specializing in science announced in a press conference today that mucking around with the Higgs Boson has broken it, resulting in siderophile elements becoming much less massive, and lithophile elements much more massive. "Our results should be taken as preliminary, at this point, and will need to be refined over the coming months and years. Nevertheless, we feel confident that by the end of the week, the earth's core will erupt onto the surface, and the crust will sink to take its place," said lead scientist, I.M. Moran. "Now, on the downside, our calculations suggest we will be inundated with something approaching a 340-kilometer deep ocean of molten steel- that's about 210 miles, in English- extinguishing every trace of earth as we know it, not to mention all life on the planet."

"On the plus side, though, the initial migration of the molten core toward the surface will be even more effective at freeing up 'tight' shale oil and gas than current 'frakking' technology. That, combined with what is expected to be an unusually low-demand heating season, means that consumers can look forward to steep drops in energy prices. From a scientific perspective, we eagerly anticipate an opportunity to examine the properties of the core directly for the first time. And from an economic perspective, we expect that the abundance of platinum and other precious metals thought to be concentrated in the core may trigger an economic expansion like none since the late forties and fifties."

Asked how people should be prepared, Moran replied, "Well, the usual, you know. Have plenty of extra water, a gallon per person per day, enough for a week or two. Non-perishable food with minimum preparation requirements- peanut butter, for example. Practice and drill escape routes, have a meeting place planned if you get separated somehow. Nothing really out of the ordinary."

When queried regarding other scientists' skepticism about his results, he scoffed "Ivory tower types! What do they know? I have an associates degree in dental assistance, and it was extremely rigorous. They don't even know what I'm talking about."

In related news, US gun sales have surged to new highs. NRA spokesman Charlegun Hasgun says "Our members are fully armed and eager to take on any ocean of molten metal that dares to threaten them, their loved ones, or property."

Dick Cheney, commenting from an undisclosed location, declined to comment.

(This will an entry for AW #53, so be aware THIS IS NOT TRUE!)